I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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