I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
and i looked up. we had an audience...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
