those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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