I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
