Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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