a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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