Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
