Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
