it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
