it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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