She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
