OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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