This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
