i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
