don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Im part way to drunk.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
