Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Randomize
