i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
