had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
