eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
