please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
