just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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