I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
