My first STD was from a foam party
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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