Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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