please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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