You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
