We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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