there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
