So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
