I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
