I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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