I didn't shave. On purpose
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
