My sheets look like a crime scene.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
