It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
