Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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