Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
