that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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