so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
