bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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