you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
