I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
