i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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