never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
