i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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