i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
