I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
