I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
