If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Barsexuality is the new black.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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