Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
