its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
